i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
