It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
