Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
