I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
