His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
