You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You're like the curious george of whores
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
