Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
