My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
