we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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