I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
