If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
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The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
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She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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