I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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