If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
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