I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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