Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I fill condoms, not promises.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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