Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
