I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
They are going to name an STD after you.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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