Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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