I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
If that was your dad, he is hot
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
