OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I don't deserve a penis
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
