the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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