Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
