I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
