Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Randomize
