i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
