Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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