I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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