I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
