We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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