I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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