I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
