Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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