the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
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A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
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I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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