I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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