Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
