my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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