you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
he laminated a picture of his dick.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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