I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
