i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident