i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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