HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
