I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Randomize
