This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
