His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
