either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
