My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
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He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
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He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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