There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
