Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
