from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
