The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Randomize
