hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
