i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
