I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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