We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
