it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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