Kiss
Puke
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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