News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
