Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
