just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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